Suicide Notes to Myself: But It’s Not

Dear Reagan,

One of your pet peeves is being out of the loop. You hate being the only one who doesn’t know something in a group of people who do know. There were a couple of times this happened when your friends were clearly discussing something of importance. They whispered to each other and all you could do was sit there, wondering why you couldn’t know.

There was one time you asked what happened and regretted doing so almost immediately after finding out.

It was at lunch. You were sitting down in a classroom, friends all around you. It was a normal day until it wasn’t. Neo had been gone for a week and when she came back, it was as though everyone seemed to know the reason why. Except you, of course.

You gave your friends a confused look and asked Neo yourself why she was gone. Everyone seemed to give you a weird look. She hesitated but eventually told you as you put food into your mouth.

I tried to kill myself.

You froze and stared at the desk and then looked at her. You asked her how and weren’t really ready for the answer she gave.

Overdose with alcohol.

Your brain was suddenly repeating she almost died she almost died she almost died and chewing the food in your mouth wasn’t important anymore. She tried to kill herself. She tried to end her life. How are you supposed to process that?

You went home that day a changed person. You started to care a lot more about how everyone in your life was doing. It was a good thing, but it came about in a bad way. Maybe being in the loop can possibly be a bad thing, but it was the best thing you could be at that time.