Suicide Notes to Myself: The Pain Will Fade

Dear Reagan,

It’s almost summer and in the time leading up to now, you decided to stop letting your mental illnesses take over your life. Of course, that was easier said than done, and it’s not the easiest thing to ask depression to “Kindly get the f*** out of your life,” but the thought made you feel better. Changes were made. You stopped your unhealthy habits, like sitting around and not doing anything to fix a problem. You’ve started to appreciate the little things and have ceased dwelling on the issues that have no real place in your life. You’ve met some people who’ve changed you, whether it was in a good or bad way. Thanks to all of these, the change came.

The most prevalent person is Anne-Marie. She was an unexpected best friend who you grew quite close to during the swimming unit in P.E. of all places. You saw her in the halls and thought she was this popular girl who wouldn’t talk to someone like you, but it happened. The conversations started when you were trying to teach her how to float on her back and she was teaching you how to be brave. Long story short, you both had crushes and helped each other get the courage to confess your feelings. Surprisingly, Anne-Marie’s crush had actually liked her as well and they are now ten months into their wondrous relationship. You, however, confessed to your crush and he did not share the same feelings. It was expected, but what made the wound worse was the fact that he was in a relationship and lied about being single. You’re over it though. It took a few angry rants to Kaiyah to get over it, but it happened. It’s the past, and you forgive him. Somewhat.

Later on, you got another crush. The same thing happened where he didn’t share your feelings, but a friendship came out of it. Friends are what you value most and he was an addition to your life that you loved to have around. Later, he got a girlfriend and you were salty, but eventually happy for him. He’s a great guy, and she’s a great girl. They’re cute together, even if your other friends get sick of their clinginess.

You think you’ll go through this a lot; liking people you can’t have. If anything, at least you start to love yourself a little more because if none of the people you like like you back, then you’re forced to love yourself. Everyone needs love, but most of the time that love has to be from ourselves before it is from anyone else.

You feel good about where you are in life right now. It’s a new feeling that sometimes gets overshadowed by the mental illnesses that you still have, but it’s there more often than not. You spend more days laughing with your friends instead of wallowing in sadness. It feels good.