I’ve been on a road of self-discovery for the past cycle. My goal was to figure out why I was shy. I didn’t really find an answer, but I came to the conclusion that it doesn’t really matter what specifically made me shy. While I do believe my shyness stems from my low self-esteem, I don’t know what the root cause is. In fact, this Friday was the last dance and part of me thought that I would be able to dance, but I couldn’t. Instead, I slowly drifted away from my group of friends and sat at a table. I texted my godmother for the majority of the dance. I left my seat only occasionally to use the restroom, because it was really cold outside. I cried for a little bit. I forgot that I had mascara on, so I was afraid that I would end up with raccoon eyes, but luckily I didn’t.
Lately I’ve been resorting to food for comfort, but after I eat a lot I feel worse. I’ve been putting on a little bit more weight around my stomach region, which makes me very insecure. I don’t exercise at all which is only making the matter worse. Perhaps this isn’t the source of my problems but yesterday it was. I told my mom. I didn’t want to tell my mom, and now I kind of regret it because what basically went down is that my mom said that God must be sad or disappointed in me because I’m being so ungrateful. She said I have nothing to be sad about, that I’m healthy and that I have everything and that there are people with disabilities that are happy, so why am I not happy? She also asked me if they had given me such a horrible life that it has left me depressed. She also said that being depressed is one thing and being lazy is another. According to my mom I’m just lazy because depressed people also do things instead of sitting around all day doing nothing. School apparently isn’t enough. I should’ve learned to cook and clean the house, but not to worry because she won’t make the same mistakes with my brother.
The most hurtful part to me was when she said that God was disappointed in me and that my failure to love myself was a sin. I cried and cried until I couldn’t anymore. Although my mom thinks that I don’t want to change and that I’m lazy and pessimistic, I’m really not. I live in a condominium so there isn’t really room for privacy, except in the bathroom, so I sat next to the sink and cried. I’m Catholic so when I’m feeling down, I talk to God, and that helps. I let out everything I’m feeling because I know that he loves me unconditionally and I’ve came to the conclusion that he’s the only one that loves me unconditionally because I thought my mom loved me unconditionally but I guess not. I don’t hold anything against her. I know that when most people are mad they say things they don’t mean. I’m going to stay optimistic and think that’s the case. I also don’t think that God is disappointed in me as my mom said. He loves everyone unconditionally so he can’t be disappointed in me. I know this makes my mom sound like a bad person, but she really isn’t. She just wants what’s best for me. It must be hard living with a sad teenager for so many years.
My mother says that I’m so young, which is a time when people usually have so many dreams and are so happy. I’m not like that, but maybe one day when I learn to love myself I will be like that. I think my mom had mixed feelings. She said that it angered her to hear me say that I don’t know how to change when it’s something she knows I can do. She told me I just have to keep saying that I can and that I will be able to, but it’s not that easy. Considering I’m very self-conscious, exercising is such a hard thing to do especially when there’s other people around.
The point of writing this is to explore what I’ve learned throughout this journey. One main lesson is not to be so hard on myself (or others), because here I spoke about what I was thinking but my mom doesn’t know any of this because I just listen to what she had to say and cried. We each have a mind of our own and sometimes we’re a little self-centered and make everything about ourselves, but sometimes we just need to learn to take a step back and not be so judgmental. Sometimes, people need time to let things sink in and digest them emotionally. We will see how things unfold.
These four cycles at the Wave have been interesting. I started off with interviews in Where The Two Worlds Meet and I ended it with a more introspective column: Los Cassettes de los Recuerdos. Thank you for reading and as the name of this post says, this isn’t the end it’s just a new beginning, Un Nuevo Comienzo.