Suicide Notes to Myself: And It Hurts

Dear Reagan,

You usually try to think of people’s feelings, but sometimes you get into a mood where their feelings don’t matter and then you hurt them. You know what Neo said today after your brain decided that you should be in a bad mood for no reason? She apologized for irritating you and she didn’t even do anything. It was you. It’s always you.

Neo, your best friend who has to deal with so much more crap than anyone should. Your best friend who feels like a constant bother was so convinced today that she was an actual bother, all because you don’t know how to tell people that you don’t want to talk to them. How can you tell them though? You’re in a non-talkative mood, friends ask what’s wrong, and you aren’t in the mood to tell them. You should, but you don’t, so you end up hurting them and then hurting yourself.

What makes it worse is that you don’t even apologize afterward. You just internalize that terrible feeling and keep it inside because you deserve that pain. That’s karma, isn’t it? You make yourself feel bad and it gives you more of a reason to die. Maybe you never should have made any friends. It would be so much easier to actually kill yourself if you hadn’t gotten attached to anyone.

It’s hard to think about how life would be without your friends, without Kaiyah especially. She’s your person. The first person you told about your depression, dissociation and all other screwed up things in your life. She would listen to you rant, offer advice when she could, and just make you feel better in general. If it weren’t for her, you would probably be dead by now. She kept you holding on long enough for you to find more people to keep you going. Like Neo, Serena, Leona, and so many other people who have made such a huge impact in your life. If they weren’t there, you would be somewhere other than here. Maybe six feet under like you always wanted.