Suicide Notes to Myself: The Wounds Will Heal. You’ll Be Okay.

Dear Reagan,

     I’m happy for the first time in a while. I can get up most mornings, happy to be breathing. Of course, I still have bad days where being six feet under sounds better than rising from my bed, but I’m better. It took a while to get here though. I wish it was as easy as saying that today will be a good day, but most things in life are easier said than done because that’s just how life is.

     To begin changing your life in the smallest of ways can make the biggest impact. Life isn’t perfect and it never will be. It will always be what you choose to make it; that has been the hardest thing for me to learn. It took so long for me to fight back against the mental disorders that kept me down. I felt like I would never be able to do it, but here I am; fighting every day of my life against what hurts me. My mental disorders are still a part of me, but I won’t let them take me apart.

     Looking back, so much of my pain was caused by things that I could’ve changed. The only reason I didn’t change was because those changes were hard and it was easier to pretend they weren’t there. My mindset was basically no Reagan, don’t change and get better; stay the same and suffer. Even when I made the choice to change, it took a while to see progress because I didn’t feel like I was changing. I had to start small and those small decisions made big impacts.

     In a way, it was like I had to become someone else before I became myself. I followed the advice of others and what worked for them until I found what worked for me. If someone found that cleaning their room every week helped them feel better, feel like they were taking care of themselves, then I would clean my room. If someone took walks every day and they found it mind-clearing, then I tried the same thing. I tried anything that might make me feel better about myself and made it my own thing. Instead of cleaning my room every week, I did it every two weeks. Instead of taking a walk, I talked with my friends about what was going on in my head, deep talks you could say. I’m the type of person who needs instructions on what to do most of the time. I don’t want to start something and not know how to do it. I followed the instructions of people who shared similar experiences, and once I understood how to do it I did it myself.

     The changes I made were what helped me become a better person and I feel happy. Of course, I still make mistakes that hurt me and the people around me. I don’t expect to be perfect, but accept it’s all a part of life and learning. I’ve become the type of person that tries to change every day. Not in a way that is major, but in a way where I and the people I surround myself with every day can be happy.

     This letter so far seems pretty positive, but it’s time to get into the bad parts. That’s how it is and I’m going to tell it like that. Life will always suck. Six times out of ten I would rather die or hurt myself than deal with my problems. That will always, always, always feel like the easier way out. It is much easier to look at your problems and tell them you give up than it is to look at them and say, No, you can’t hurt me.

     When you have issues and you have a hard time telling other people about them, you tend to push people who care about you away without meaning to. They don’t know what you’re going through and you end up hurting them. It is all one sided when you don’t let them know because you know exactly what is wrong, but they don’t, so they get hurt. You have this hurricane of emotions inside you and you end up taking it out on the people around you. Hurricanes are destructive and messy and uncaring of what it ruins.

     In situations like this, after apologizing to whoever you hurt, you should forgive yourself. You are in no way perfect and you need to understand in your head, heart, and soul that you aren’t, and that it is completely fine to not be. You must in every situation forgive yourself until you are at peace. Realize what you’ve done, apologize, and then forgive yourself; no matter how big or small the issue.

     And it is here that I finish this series of letters. Should there come a time when these letters come back and I continue my writing, know that, without a doubt, I will be a changed person again. Looking back now at all the letters, I read the words of someone who is a different version of me. I see an angry Reagan, a sad one, a happy one, a confused one, and the Reagan in this letter now. She is a changed girl who has learned from her mistakes and grown into a better version of herself. And, as life is, I’m still growing, still learning from my mistakes, and becoming a better person.

I hope whoever else is reading this can do the same.