Very Real: Meet Maurice

Maurice is my friend who lives in the deep swamp. He eats bark and drinks swamp water. Come down to the swamp this Tuesday and you might find him taking an unorthodox chomp out of the side of a tree. Come on a Wednesday and he will be enjoying the noble game of lacrosse and listening to Ukrainian folk punk. The rest of the week he just sulks in the swamp; the lonely languid lad of the lagoon. Thursday mornings, Maurice listens to Mr. Postman by the Marvelettes and cries because he gets no mail. (He thinks mailmen are afraid of tall trees so they do not dare enter his swamp. But the real reason he gets no mail is because he does not have a zip code!)

While I have your attention, let me share a few more little-known facts about my friend Maurice. On the final day of the business week, he puts moss from the trees on his head and celebrates something he calls, Freddie Mercury Fridays.*  On the weekends, he pretends to converse with the frogs about the politics of the swamp and the effects of climate change on the cypress trees. The frogs, however, do not care much for the environment. Maurice hates Mondays because he must emerge from the canopy and sit in the sun. Usually, he does not like leaving the water because he is embarrassed of his long toes. Please send Maurice socks (but not by mail).

*This refers to Freddy’s seventies hairstyle, not his eighties hairstyle.