There’s one song in particular that I’d like to shed some light on from my playlist below. The main lines of this song can be translated as: “No one loves me, everyone hates me, I’ll eat a worm instead, cut off his head eat the inside, mmm what a yummy worm.” The line that I want to focus on is “No one loves me, everyone hates me.” This is a very powerful phrase for a three-year-old to hear. I’m not saying that this is why I’m depressed, but I see it as a grain of sand that was added to a growing mound of depression. It was a fun song to dance to though, which makes me think how we tend to ignore lyrics and just listen to the rhythm.
This brings up another situation which many of us experience. Sometime someone says something very mean, but in a kind voice. For example, I had a ‘friend’ in middle school. She was really depressed, but I didn’t know at the time. She even told me once that she took all her anger out on her classmates because, as an only child, she didn’t have anyone to talk to at home. She used to make fun of my mom because she coudn’t speak English very well. She used to say that whenever anyone said something to her in English she would just say, “Sí.” This wasn’t nice of her at all, but I hope she’s in a better place mentally today. At the time, she was very superficial and had a habit of showing off all of her new gadgets. I think her parents wanted to fill that void with technology since they were working all the time and didn’t really spend much time with her.
This girl was new at my school so my mom said I should try to talk to her. This might be a more direct cause of my depression. I started feeling depressed around middle school, however I do know that ‘correlation does not equal causation’ so maybe it’s just pure coincidence. In either case, I associate bad relationships and friendships like the one I just mentioned with the onset of my depression. What may have started it all was a comment that one of my friends made about me when I was in fifth grade. It wasn’t really a bad thing. It was more of an observation, but since that comment, I started noticing things that I considered to be wrong with me. For example, in middle school, one classmate said that I was a mutant because of my skinny arms. Another classmate said that I had anorexic arms. Later that year, we had to write an essay about personal hardships and the topic I focused on I were the negative comments my classmates had said to me. Later on, I confronted some of my so-called friends and they said, “Why would you write about that?” I told them that I didn’t include their names and then the girl that said that I look like a mutant said, “Would you rather your arms be fat?” This was her way of justifying her insult by pointing out that perhaps there were worse insults she can have used. As far as I remember, none of them ever apologized.
After that, I think the only person that called me out was this one friend (although I’m still not sure if I can call him that because he’s not very nice) who said I looked like a grandma with my glasses. Anyways what I’ve noticed is that now no one ever really comments on what I look like, but I’ve taken on that job by calling myself names and saying really mean things to myself like, “You’re worthless.” I don’t know why I do it. I’m trying to end this habit but it takes time. I’m working on it.
Here is a playlist of the songs I listened to the most as a toddler: