Suicide Notes to Myself: To the Girl Who Lives at 1453 Roman Circle

Dear Reagan,

When you were a kid, life seemed a whole lot easier, right? Right. But you’re fifteen now and you know what that feels like? It feels bad. Really bad. Usually, people associate bad feelings with teenage years, but It’s not the age that feels bad, it’s the feeling that you’re drowning and unable to do anything about it that feels bad. Depression and suicidal thoughts feel like huge weights on your shoulders. Even if the weight lessens sometimes, it always comes back feeling heavier than ever.

You’d think it’s the depression that makes you want to die, but no. It’s the dissociative disorder that you know you have but don’t want to confirm with a professional. Depression is the encouragement that dissociation needs to continue making you feel like the world is ending tomorrow, and how that’s fine. And it’s not really fine but dissociation steals you away from reality, it’s a disorder that hinders your memory and connection with reality.

The world around you can start feeling like a video game and you want it to be game over already. Climbing over obstacles, fighting enemies, and defeating bosses gets repetitive. Every time you play, it’s the same cycle over and over again. You win some and you lose some, but sometimes it’s not enough to keep the game interesting, so you keep playing. You let yourself get hit by the enemy so that the game can finally be over, but you keep pressing restart.

You keep pressing restart because youŕe hoping it will be different. Sometimes you press it because you’re not quite ready for the final game over. It’s weird; being ready to die but not really wanting to. It’s like a flower that’s dying but still refusing to completely succumb to death.