Suicide Notes to Myself: Tomorrow Isn’t Either

Dear Reagan,

When you think of the past, you also think about reasons why you should kill yourself. Take a look at the all the mistakes you’ve made in the past. Look at how much you’ve inconvenienced people. Why are you still here? Your past shapes who you are and you’ve done horrible things, so you know what that means? You’re a horrible person.

You sometimes wish that death would take you as fast as sleep does, and maybe it does but it’s over the course of a lifetime and not ten minutes. You stay up late thinking about the grievances of your ongoing life, the seemingly perpetual suffering and you lose sleep over things you can’t change.

Things feel like they’re getting worse at this point. Who you were before seems like a much better you than you are now. You were a lonely kid in elementary because rejection was a familiarity. Games needing only two people were a thing that left you saying “oh” and moving to sit on the blacktop by yourself.

When you met your best friend in elementary, loneliness wasn’t your friend anymore, Kaiyah was. You guys hung out almost every day and you would go over to her house after school almost all the time. Despite this new and strong friendship, when you guys advanced to higher grades, you started seeing each other less, especially when high school came along.

You went to Loreta High School and she went to Pauline High School for freshman year before switching to Boyd. Of course, you guys still FaceTimed and hung out whenever you could, but it wasn’t as often as you were used to. It went from everyday communication to twice a week and that sucked. High school isn’t that fun without your best friend with you because you can’t experience the craziness together. And isn’t that the best part of it all? Getting to experience life with someone who is your life?

You miss Kaiyah. Bad days seem worse without her right by your side to cheer you up.